| I can see the light! |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|11:53 pm] |
So, I am much happier. Because I am home, because I got a letter from Haverford, and I am on the wait list... And I have come to the conclusion that staying at MU would not be the WORST THING IN THE WORLD. I would be really close to family and friends, and not millions of miles away. I would not get lost on Campus. I would already know people. I could go home and eat my mom's cooking. I could room with friends. It has potential.
And yet, if I can... I still want to get away. Because I love como, but I need to get out of misery. Like... srsly. I love it here, but I want to leave. If that makes any sense. And MU is a good school... I just want to go AWAY. And if I could go to a better school, why not go?
All that rejection made me nervous...
But being home and watching happy chick flicks with Anna and... having new things made it better. I have done more shopping over this vacation than I have done in a very long time, if ever. I have pretty new things... And I feel kind of bad at how happy new things make me. *resists urges to be materialistic and girly and vain*
So the letter back to Haverford is on it's way. I am officially on the wait list, and still waiting to hear from Princeton and Brown. Tuesday cannot come soon enough.
THINGS TO DO
1) Make sure I can log into the Princeton webby thing
2) Make that Crowley/Azriphale mix I've been plotting
3) FINISH some of the books I'm reading
4) think about studying for Calc
5) Maybe actually do some homework
6) Help Anna dye her hair
7) Clean My Room
8) Call and bother people
9) Do that English Project
...I'm sure there are other things. That list is in no particular order...
I'm so excited. I get to hang out with my Sophy tomorrow, and then sarah is sleeping over tomorrow... But I need to do those other things too!! Ack, priorities...
10) STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR PRIORITES
XP
OMG, Nick and Norah's infinate playlist!! Go rent it!! It made me feel better... Even if It's got some iffy bits, it was much better and different than I expected it to be. I suggest you go check it out...
** EDIT **
Another reason to be happy:
CARBON LEAF HAS A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT AND A TOUR DATE IN ST. LOUIS I MIGHT BE ABLE TO ATTEND!!!!!
*EXCITED* |
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| fml... |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|09:38 pm] |
So I'm in chicago, staying with some of my mom's awesome friends. And this trip has been wonderful. I got to visit two beautiful colleges... and then unceremoniously get rejected from both of them. No wait list. No acceptance. Rejection.
So now I just get to wait and see if Haverford, or Brown, or Princeton... If I might get lucky. Otherwise it's mizzou, or minneapolis.
But I'm trying to stay positive... and mostly, I just don't want to think about it.
PS GO TIGERS! We are kicking butt and taking names. Something to smile about. ^_^ |
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| Writer's Block: Self-Indulgent |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|02:39 pm] |
I would give up facebook, and use my internets time more productively. I waste so much time on there doing nothing and hoping people will talk to me or show me love.
It does not happen nearly often enough.
I should be reading poetry or posting my stuff, or something productive. Blah.
Or writing. Or doing HOMEWORK?!? Hahaha...
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| I is not FAILING!! |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|08:16 am] |
I have a 71% in Japanese and a 70% in Calc BC!!!
I AM ON THE RISE!
(Happiness) |
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| Hey, Guess what? |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|11:22 pm] |
Life is really, really good.
Other than I am pretty sure I am currently failing Japanese and Calculus. And I have wasted a grand total of at least three, probably four hours tonight on the compy doing not much at all in the way of productivity.
But really, I am happier than I have been in a long time.
This weekend was great fun! Courtwarming was spiffy. I love being able to spend time with my friends.
Anna seems to be adjusting well enough to living here. I hope that with time, we will be able to talk more and connect more. I am excited about the prospect of having her here living with us.
(Anna is a Japanese foreign exchange student living with my family)
I am 500% happier at school this semester as compared to last semester. School and senioritis are kind of kicking my butt, but I don't even care any more. It's sad, I should feel bad about it, but I just don't care. I'm going to have a good time and not stress out so much. This is my goal, and it seems to be working okay.
Much love, Ana |
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| Another less time consuming meme! |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|11:17 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | meme | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given!
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| Grr... |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|10:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
I had my interview with Princeton today.
I think it went well.
I think.
It was so nerve-wracking.
OMgod...
Then I took a nap.
and ended up sleeping for many hours longer than I wanted to.
So now it is 10:20 pm and I have gotten basically nothing done as far as homework.
Damn.
And the problem is I don't even care...right now I am just pissed because I am not on that bus to Washington DC to see OBAMA. I had the chance to go. It was $200. So what. I could be on a bus with a bunch of awesome democrats on my way to obama...but instead I am here, in Columbia staying up late not doing my japanese and english and calculus homework.
God f-ing damn it.
>______________<
( MUKATSUKU! ) |
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| ... |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|08:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I dislike high school.
I want to go to college.
I am trying to be more positive about things. And more friendly and outgoing. It is one of my new years resolutions, along with going to yoga twice a week, and eating more healthy and in better portions. I also need to not take things people say so personally, or get so offended or angry about things. I let everything bother me too much...
Life is going much better, and calmer than it was. I am happy about a lot of things that have changed over the past few months. I feel like I am on the uphill again, as opposed to the down...like I am heading in the right direction.
But at the same time I AM frustrated. I am annoyed. I am sick of this town and many of the people in it. I am ready for new faces and new experiences. I am ready to not have to go to Rock Bridge anymore, and I am ready to not have to see the same people regularly anymore.
Positive, positive, positive...
That's what I need to be. |
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| What have I done? |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|06:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hurt | ] |
I could not sleep last night due to all sorts of horrible nightmares...Which is not helpful after getting sick... I know I need my sleep, but I cannot control my dreams.
I dreamed of fearful places and horrible choices, of loosing those I love, of torture and pain...
And it has stuck with me all day. I cannot shake the pain, the awful feeling I woke up with.
I am so sick of trying to do what is right...I am so sick of having to make hard choices on who to trust, of having to second guess everything and everyone I love and care for. I do not want to feel guilty anymore, for hurt I may have caused others, or for the love I feel for anyone. I am so sick of being hurt by love, of feeling obligated to or trapped in love that I cannot escape from. I am so sick of being told that nothing I do is right by those who should lift me up.
I am sorry if my troubles are frusterating or confusing for those who care about me. I am sorry if I am distant or irritable or uptight or upset...But it does not help to tell me that my decisions are all wrong, to give me disapproving looks and shun me...I shun myself more than enough.
I am so sick of trying so hard for so long...for pouring so much of myself into everything that I do, and getting so little back.
I always ask what I am doing wrong, and when I get answers, I try to change. I want to always be growing and learning and doing better... I feel like I am an honest person, and I honestly love so many people, even if I do not show it very well, or very often. I know I have been negligent of those who try to care for me, perhaps more than I have been neglected. Maybe if I put more of myself into what I did, then I would get more out.
But how can I, when I already feel so drained and empty? |
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| Japanese Bitching |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|06:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
On top of ALL that, I was informed that I cannot speak japanese, write japanese, read japanese, or listen to and comprehend japanese worth a damn. Sensei felt it was necessary to call and tell me that last night, at like ten at night. I just am not working hard enough at it, she said, and maybe if I read the textbook I would improve. Some people like Shannon are just better at it, she said, naturally gifted.
If I did not already have two AUTs, I would drop that fucking class like a hot rock. I am so sick of her bullshit. She is a sweet lady, I guess, but she does not answer questions, she is ignorant, she is confusing and difficult... Did she ever think that maybe I would have been studying japanese, except she felt it was necessary to call me while I was doing my homework and talk my ear off for about 30 minutes, and try to pry into my life and tell me how to live it? Instead I only got to study a little bit, because I had other homework to do for other classes. Like the three AP classes I am taking that actually matter/ I care about? And I am the president of a club?
I really wanted to do better this year in Japanese. I wanted this year to be different. I was motivated, and ready to go...I know I have slacked a bit before, but I don't need her to tell me that. It's my own goddamn right to blow off Japanese when I need to... It's not like I am not trying, but I am not good at it. I know that. It's really, really hard for me to remember things...like vocab, and Kanji. I hear the listening, and I just hear a bunch of jibberish. I was pretty proud of myself for remembering as much as I have. I thought I would be doing worse than I am...I thought I was doing fairly well so far...But apparenlty not, apparently I suck a lot. Apparently I have not improved at all since level two... She felt it was necessary to call me and tell me so.
Fuck her. |
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| So... |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|05:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
I'm not sure where to begin.
Many of you, my dear friends, have expressed worry about me. I'm okay. Things have been better, things are stressful, but they are okay.
In one week, I both was broken up with and moved out of my house. This was the week after we started school, I guess, and two weeks after my mom was in the mental hospital (and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, which she convienantly blew off and ignored). I still am reeling a bit from everything.
Why does life like to kick me in the ass? Much of it is my own fault, I know I bring stress upon myself, but really...
Is it all necessary? I mean...It's not ALL my fault. I am to blame for dating Alec in the first place... I could have tried harder to hold on and be the perfect daughter a little longer...But a school year is an eternity. I'd rather go it alone than stay in that house...
My mom seems to enjoy telling everyone that I just one day decided to move out of the house, without explination, leaving the "family" (or at least the little pieces that are left of it she has managed to keep in her control) in ruins, alone and distraught. She does not know if I am okay, she can't sleep with worry over me.
Hahaha.
That is not how it happened at all, but that's what she's telling my teachers. She is such a liar, and manipulative, and a two faced bitch. She says one thing one minute, and a different thing the next. I can't live like that anymore.
Not to mention nothing is ever good enough for her. My grades are never good enough, I never do enough, anything I have I do not deserve, I am ungrateful and mean and...abusive? I'd like to know how taking care of her and HER children for all of my life, dropping whatever I had whenever she needed it, driving her around all the time, not only accepting but trying to be kind and friendly to her new man (knowing full well that she'd been sleeping with while still married to my father), trying to be a good daughter to her when she treated me like some kind of animal or pack mule. I was not thanked for anything...I was expected to do it. I was not given congradulations for any of my achivements. They were expected. Nothing I recived could be mine...It was a right to be taken away, something I had to earn... The worst part was that I felt like nothing I accomplished was my own. They would take credit for everything in some way or another, always reminding me of how I was able to do so well because of them...I was sick of them trying to live vicarously through me, and I was sick of trying to earn their love, appreciation, and affection with little to no result. I've done my time, and I wanted out...I never wanted things to be like this, but what choice has she given me? I know now that she is not capable of really loving me like I want her to, not capable of being the mother I want her to be or think she should be to me...So why keep putting in the effort when I am getting nothing back? Why keep trying to please her when I know I can't and I don't have to?
I am also a cuntwhorebitchslut, just incase you were wondering. That's what she called me the night I went to get some of my things. That, and so many other awful things I do not want to even remember...
She is such a GODDAMN HYPOCRIT. I know how she was when she was a teenager. I am nothing like her, and she cannot keep thinking I am her, accusing me of being her. I am myself. I am Anastasia Rosella Boettcher, goddamn it. I do NOT do drugs, I do NOT drink, I AM faithful, I CARE about school, I love to learn, I love to read, I love to write, I am motivated, I am self confident, I have dreams that are my own, and feelings that are my own... I like musicals and happy music, bright colors and starry dark nights, and fantasy novels and sweet love stories with happy endings.
From the beginning, I wanted to go with my dad. He's always been their more for me, been the person I can talk to when I need it...But she painted it as if I had no other option. My father was a BAD person, he had been abusive and mean and worthless. "He hit you with a pan, remember?" Yeah, I remember. I'd been yelling at him all day to help me clean or cook or do something besides sleep on the couch, while my mom was out of town in DC with Peter, as we were all well aware. We were both angry, tensions were high, things happened. People do things when they are angry that they regret...and I was very angry with him for a long time over it. It wasn't okay that he did that, but it was an isolated incident, and he is still my father...And I know, in the same vein, she is still my mother, even if she is a mean, awful, vengeful, hypocritic bitch sometimes. I know I will have to forgive her at some point...and I think I have. I still love her, she's my mom after all, but that does not mean I want to go back. She cannot accept that. I am either with her, or against her. I am to take her side, or I am a bad, horrible awful person just like my father. I cannot take my own side. I do not have my own thoughts or feelings, I am not capable of making my own choices according to her. That is just not true. I know I would do well to be my own advocate. Of those moments I regret thus far in my life, the ones that I regret most are the ones when I did not stand up for myself, for my own feelings, my own heart, my own dignity and self worth. I will not let this be one of those moments....And she does not even know what she has done. Everytime I see her, she asks some variation of "what have we done to make you hate us so much?" I DON'T HATE THEM! I love them. I just know they don't love me, or can't. They don't appreciate me, or can't... And I can't let it hurt me anymore, I can't let it worry me anymore, I have too many other things to be concerned about. I've got to focus on me, for a change. I've got to start figuring my own life out, instead of trying to make her's and Dad's and Joseph's and Louis's okay. Maybe I am being selfish, but I know I need to.
Like I said before, things are hard right now, but they are okay. The worst of all this is how lonely I feel...I know I made a hard decision, but I will stand by it as the right one. I am not just doing this to be rebellious or do bad teenager things. I have a moral code that I live by, and will continue to do so. I feel guilty sometimes, when I think about the awful things she's said to me...But I know she is saying them to make me feel that way. She can only make me feel guilty if I let her, and I cannot. I still love them, and I am not trying to hurt them or do anything to them. I still love Peter, and I still love my Mom. I miss Louis more than anything, and Joseph too. They were annoying sometimes, but god is it lonely to not have them here to be annoying...and how dare her tell me how much Louis is enjoying being an only child. How. Fucking. Dare her.
I just want to have fun...I want to watch some of my musicals, to go hiking and bike riding and leave it all behind for a while...Spend time with you guys whenever I can, with the people who love me regardless of how stupid I am, of the bad choices I make, or of my silence. I miss my Dad too...he's out of town this week, in Colorado. They wanted me to go with them, but I felt like I could and should not miss that much school. I'm glad I didn't go, because I got to meet JOE BIDEN! Well, not meet him, I guess...but see him speak! It was so cool!
I just have been trying to not think about whatever the heck is going on with me and Alec. One minute he seems like he might care about me, the next he ignores me, and in the third he's an asshole to me for no reason. I don't know what he wants from me, and frankly, whatever it is I probably can't give it. I'm really just trying to not think about it, and hope that particular avenue of my life will figure itself out eventually. It's hard, though...Because I do care about him, I do miss him...and not having him around after basically spending the summer with him, on top of all else, is really lonely and hard to get used to. I know I have lots of other people who care about me, lots of people to turn to... I see it everyday at school, and it's great...But there is still the part of me that wants to turn to him, and he will have none of it. Not only that, but I know I cannot.
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| Awesomeness |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
The first two days of school were really awesome, and everything in life seems to be looking up for the moment!
YAY!
I would go into more detail about things, but I'm tired and need sleep...
I just wanted to let everybody know that life is going well, and things seem to be back to normal. I like being a senior...I like my classes, I like the people in my classes, for the most part, and I'm very happy. My AUT is SO AWESOME, as are lunches. I just have a feeling it's going to be an awesome year.
Whee!
Though I spend all of today riding my bike around downtown and such...so I am really worn out and should get some sleep. |
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| Lawl...I forget... |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|12:35 pm] |
I think I forgot livejournal existed...That is the excuse I am going with as to why I have not posted on here all summer.
I can't believe summer is almost over.... I know we have about three weeks left (exactly tomorrow), but one of those weeks, including my 18th birthday, will be spent in Branson. I am not amused by this.
I am actually really looking forward to school this year...Or at least to the start of things. I have to go in early to change my sschedule, since we will be out of town for the back to school night. I hope they let me make all the changes I want to make... Like taking an AUT so that I can hopefully take 3D Design 2 as an independent study, switching to Theater Tech instead of Journalism because I realized that I want to stay as far away as possibly from the Journalism wing at all costs, and I want to take mythology or classical roots instead of Contemporary issues because I make a horrible salesman, and I do not want to spend half the school year begging money off the rich kids at our school just so I can get a good grade in my class, even if it does go to a good cause. I just foresee myself not liking that class.
I am also really looking forward to being president of Young Democrats this year. Connor and I have some big stuff in the works... It's going to be great. Those of you with liberal political leanings should definitely come to our first meeting...it's going to be exciting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|07:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
I am very quickly loosing motivation for school. This really should not happen before the AP test...I am just going to have to hold it together for like two more weeks. I can do that... I hope.
The problem is I don't want to.
I definatly was not in any mood to sit in class today... I was really annoyed by Chemistry, for some reason, and I kept wanting to leave. I should have just skipped out; No one would have noticed because no one, including the teacher in that class cares. I actually did leave ten minutes early. I went and got lunch at Sonic's. It was great. I rolled the windows down, and blasted the radio really loud. It was just one of those days. I mean...I just left Chemistry, and nobody even noticed. I suppose that is a good thing, because I did not get in trouble, but if it had been anyone else, the class would have freaked out. I just feel like I don't matter to any of those stupid people, and I can't figure out WHY. I mean, I could say its because I am a dork, and it's just the social group I come from...But Dan's from our "social group" too, and he's all chummy with everybody...
I don't like A days. I miss my friends. T_T
After that, I needed some alone chill time. Skipping out on Chemistry helped... I felt a bit better, and worse simutaiously. I was highly amused when I got to sonic, and my total was $6.66. I was like, lolz whut? Is this some message from Satan? I mean, I know I am skipping class...but come on. It was ten minutes of chemistry class.
I zoned out in math. We only worked on the study packet for out test, and it was fairly lame. I was actually hoping for a lecture, because then I would feel productive. Meh.
After school, I stayed in art class to work on some of my pieces. I threw this nifty little vase, and finished up my dancing figures sculpture.
I'm a bit annoyed at Ware for spreading rumors about Japanese getting cancelled. Just because he thinks the program would have the least affect on the fewest students...I don't care. He could find a different example. It makes me paranoid and pissy.
*mushroom sigh* |
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| Ahahaha...Guess what my nearest book is? |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|11:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sore | ] |
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences (in your own journal!).
5. Tag five people
Not unlike native American cultures, African societies were often matrilineal.
And, for fun, the 1234 page...
That's dumb...It's a Further Reading page...
Nevermind.
ToT
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| Earth Day |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|05:44 pm] |
I went to church this morning, and was fairly upset to see that it was Earth Day. How did it get here so quickly, and without me knowing?
So I skipped out on about three hours of homework to go chill downtown. It was loads of fun, but not nearly so much as I remember it being in the past... I am not sure why. I saw as many people as I usually do, and probably knew a lot more. I got this very pretty tie-dye skirt (yes, I know I am a hippie. Shaddup). I just wish I could get all happy and excited about life again...today, and recently, I have felt fairly burnt out with the general monotony of it all, but there is nothing I would know how to change. I have so very much to be happy about, but more often I feel too tired or worn our or nervous to let myself enjoy what I've got. I am just very happy the weather decided to love us and be beautiful today.
I also wish I did not feel so akward around people I do not know very well. I am fairly alright with new people, or people I do not talk to very often. It's just those people who I sort of know, and would like to get to know a bit better that I have endless amounts of trouble with...And now it seems to be bleeding over into everything else. I wish I was interesting, with interesting things to talk about...and did not resort to school work as a conversation topic whenever there is a lull. It's just that school makes up 80-90% of what I am thinking about. I do not feel like I have time anymore for much else...
I want a pet black hole...I could defy the laws of time and the universe and everything else. It would be awesome, especially if it could fix my lack of time for having a life. |
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| Pointless musings without explination |
[Apr. 16th, 2008|03:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Why does it seem like the more snarky a person is, the more obnoctious and overbearing, the more loud and verboast...The more they are well liked by the general population? But this is not even a rule, but only true in certian circumstances...
I do not understand highschool.
Especially not AP kids.
No, no, not at all.
But I sit back, observe, and am quite amused nonetheless. |
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| Lonely muffin |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|11:50 pm] |
And so thus is what I have been doing instead of writing my personal essay.
Haha, I should turn that in. XD Wonder what Mrs. Dankel would think of it...
I probably do not want to know.
*sigh* I'm going to bed with the hopes that I will wake up in a better mood.
There are so many other things to be thinking about in my life, and that demand my attention...But I don't want to. >_< |
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| Amused by fandom. |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|02:09 am] |
Fandom makes me loose sleep...But now I wants to write fanfiction...
Omnom.
This weekend has been great so far!!
The only issue is, tomorrow is going to be all about homework. Eww. |
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